*****READ IT!!!!******
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!!!! TURN BACK IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THIS PILOT/MOVIE EPISODE THAT WASN’T AS GOOD AS THE MOVIE IT WAS BASED OFF OF THAT IS CONSIDERED ONE OF DISNEY’S WELL-KNOWN CLASSICS OF ALL TIME!!!!!!
-We Now Join Our Regularly Scheduled Review, Already in Progress-
PREVIOUSLY ON “THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN”:
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: *Reads RM’s Diary* Wait, YOU have a sister and a real name?
THE REVIEW MASTER (PRESENT): *Sigh* Yes. Yes, I do. Her name is Rosie Bernstein, while my REAL name is Trevor. Trevor Bernstein. Before I met you, my older sister, Rosie, was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago. We didn’t have enough money to help her get cured and I wanted to because she took care of me, after my parents got killed in a car crash when I was 10 years old. I decided to make my OWN blog in order to raise money for Rosie’s breast cancer. I even tried to advertise about helping me raise more money to help my sister, but ALL that changed, when you came along as “The Detective Librarian” AND TOOK AWAY ALL THOSE FANS FROM ME!!!! As time went by and your first few days on my blog came, I started to get less attention and enough money to help and I thought that things couldn’t get any more worse than this! But, I was wrong, a few months after 2015 started, Rosie’s condition began to worsen and she died on February 28, 2015, as a result. I decided to help get a backup plan, by doing charities, asking my horrible-relatives to help, and buckets for money, but THEY DIDN’T WORK EITHER!!! By now, I REALLY WANTED TO GET RID OF THE ONE THING THAT RUINED MY LIFE AND CAUSED BY ONE AND ONLY SISTER WHO EVEN CARED ABOUT ME IN MY FAMILY, ROSIE BERNSTEIN, BUT YOU TOOK THAT MONEY THAT COULD ONLY SAVE HER LIFE AWAY FROM ME AND YOU STARTED TO GET MORE PRAISE THAN I DID, BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KING ORKENIA (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE): As for YOU!!! AS SOON AS I MAKE ANOTHER “STAR WARS” REFERENCE…You will be DESTROYED!!!!!! *Shoots Heat-Laser from Eyes*
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: *AGH!!!* AAAAAAAAHHH!!!! ARRGHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! OH MY, CELESTIA, HELP!!!! REVIEW MASTER!!!!…PLEASE!!!!!! I’M BEGGING YOU!!!! HELP ME, HELP ME AND ALL THOSE DYING HUMANS AND FRIENDS OUT THERE THAT…NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!…
THE REVIEW MASTER (PRESENT): *Gasp!*
NOOOO!!! DON’T YOU DARE HURT MY FRIEND LIKE THAT!! EVER AGAIN, YOU MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Carries King Orkenia and Throws Him, While Being Heated By His Heat-Powers*
KING ORKENIA (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE, NOT REALLY):
THE REVIEW MASTER (PRESENT): *Collapses to the Ground*
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: Trevor!! NO!!! GET UP, NOW!!!! *Explosion*
THE REVIEW MASTER/TREVOR BERNSTEIN (PRESENT) (DYING):…Thank you… Detective. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me…That was the last review I ever needed for my career and…..My life. *Coughing* I was wrong…Rosie taught me that “You Don’t To Control Everything In Your Life That You Hate and You Have to Face Them With Confidence and a Faithful Soul”……Go. Help me finish what my sister started…Please.
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: *Sad Sigh* I will, Trevor. I promise.
THE REVIEW MASTER/TREVOR BERNSTEIN (PRESENT) (DYING): Actually. Instead of calling me that…Call me…”The Review Master” once again. The new “Review Master” is you, Detective. Keep your old name and I’ll keep my other name I chose…….”You’re The Detective Librarian and….Happy 100th Review for One Year and I’m Very Proud of You and how You Received Many Praise and a hundred reviews after all this time…..I’ll always be here in the reviewing community. I promise…..” <:’) *Dies*
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN:
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN (CONTINUED): *Sigh* I will, Review Master…..I promise. *Cries Deep Down Inside*
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN (MAKING A SPEECH): Where ever you are, Review Master AKA Trevor, you’ll ALWAYS be one of us and part of our hearts and souls of review-making. <:'(
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN (MONOLOGUE): Today, a new day is dawning for reviewing…A day where things will turn out just fine…..
LINK TO PREVIOUS REVIEW/SEASON:
-Now, Onto the Actual Review-
-PROLOGUE: The Review Master’s House, 11:46 AM, Present Day-
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: *Unpacking Trevor Bernstein/Review Master’s Belongings*……….*Sad Sigh*
TED THE SCRIPT PERSON: Hey, Detective. I know you’re upset, but, The Review Master was your arch-enemy. I think it’s time you put it behind you and move on. We’ve got to unpack most of his stuff, seeing as how he’s no longer living here and has moved onto a better place.
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: I know, Ted! But, I still feel very depressed by it. Ever since we first began our major rivalry, I’ve always had this strange feeling that Review Master– I mean, Trevor and I have this sort of interesting relationship that us fighting is like a bond, until his death, when he gave his life to save me from the Mormenian ruler, King Orkenia, and his kind from killing me. I just wish that I could do something to honor him and start off my upcoming Season 4 of my blog’s reviews.
TED THE SCRIPT PERSON: Well, why not do a collaboration review with one of the former members of his group called “The Hunters”?
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: Nah. They might still be evil anyway, especially Timothy the Ghost Train or even Frankie Heck for that matter. Although, I still congratulate her for sending a ship to rescue me and the Review Master’s dying body from the collapsing Moon Destructor.
SHINING ARMOR: Well, don’t worry, Detective. You’ve still got us as your friends, ever since we became friendly-rivals, I’ve always considered you one of my best friends.
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN:…..Hmm, maybe you’re right. But, I should definitely do a review to honor Trevor. We should think about it later and get back to unpacking.
SHINING ARMOR: Right! *Continues Unpacking*
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: *Unpacks Stuff in Trevor’s Room* *An Object Falls to the Ground* Huh, what’s this? Hmm, looks like some-sort of flashdrive or something. *Plugs Flashdrive Onto Review Master/Trevor’s Computer and Plays It*
THE REVIEW MASTER/TREVOR BERNSTEIN (FLASHDRIVE VIDEO): Hello, it is I, “The Review Master”!!! I’m recording this video as my will, in case I die and send a message to anyone who is going to replace or dedicate me as “The Greatest Reviewer of All Time”!!!! For my final review on my blog, I’ll be doing a review of the TV movie/pilot episode of Disney’s “The Lion King” spin-off show, “The Lion Guard” and is titled, “Return of the Roar”, focusing on Simba’s son, Kion. *Video Continues*
THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: A new “Lion King” movie based off of a new “LK” TV show, focusing on Simba having a son, instead of a daughter? :O TED, SHINING ARMOR, AND EVERYONE ELSE, COME UPSTAIRS, I THINK I’VE GOT SOMETHING!!!!!
-The Detective Librarian’s Office, 2:30 PM-
Hello, I’m The Detective Librarian and as you all know, Season 4 of my reviewing career on my blog has finally arrived, after a LONG hiatus (okay, not really), we’re FINALLY BACK INTO REVIEWING, THE ONE THING I ENJOY THE MOST ON MY BLOGGING CAREER!!!! *Sigh of Relaxation* In order to start off, we’re going to be taking a look at a new movie for a new TV show on Disney Junior based off of “The Lion King”. I know what you’re thinking, “This is just another money-making scheme for Disney” and you’re probably right or just a way to bring back nostalgia for many fans of the movie that this is based off of. What’s the new movie called, along with the TV show, you may ask? It’s called “The Lion Guard”: “Return of the Roar”; first aired on Disney Channel on November 22, 2015. Since this is a film based off of a movie that everyone seems to enjoy, you’re all wondering, “OMG, Disney’s Ruining Our Childhood Forever, OH NO, LET’S FORM A ANGRY MOB, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH” and (again), YOU’RE ALL CORRECT!!!! This is supposed to be a pilot episode for the new TV series that’s airing on Disney Junior next year on January 15, 2016, meaning that it’s supposed to be targeted towards the younger audience/children.
Gee, I wonder how it’ll turn out when it airs as a series, instead of a movie. Aside from that, will this movie turn out terrible, let’s find out! This is “The Lion Guard”: “Return of the Roar”!!
So, the movie starts off at the Pridelands, where we get a nice little reference to the first movie, where we see the sun rise over the Pridelands, while music from the scene with Mufasa’s ghost from the first film is being played in the background. Sadly, the “Circle of Life” song is not being sung, which would’ve been better, but, I would sound like a broken record if I ranted about it. We then see Simba (played by Rob Lowe, not Matthew Broderick), the ruler of the Pridelands, teaching his daughter, Kiara (played by Eden Riegel) about how the kingdom works/the same lessons Mufasa taught to him in the first movie, like “How the Sun Touches Our Kingdom and Stuff”. Also, I would like to point out that Rob Lowe’s voice for Simba is just awful because it sounds NOTHING like Matthew Broderick’s voice for him from the original movie and the franchise’s trilogy. Take a look at this clip for example and see what I mean!!:
I’m not even kidding here, THIS is how he sounds throughout the entire film and probably for the rest of the series!! Rob Lowe’s voice for Simba sounds more like an Asian male/someone who’s high and mighty, like one of the male characters during the “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from the “Mulan” movie. Why, Disney, just WHY, WHY THE BUCK COULDN’T YOU HIRE MATTHEW BRODERICK AGAIN OR EVEN HIRE SOMEONE ELSE THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE HIM (SUCH AS, I DUNNO, CAM CLARKE, JUST LIKE IN THE “TIMON AND PUMBAA” CARTOON)??????!!!!!! I MEAN, I KNOW THAT HE’S BUSY WITH OTHER PROJECTS OR ANYTHING PERSONAL, BUT COME ON, HE DID A GREAT JOB VOICING HIM IN THE FIRST THREE MOVIES, FIND SOMEONE ELSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE HIM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!! 😡 But, I digress, we first meet our main character of the movie, Simba and Nala’s son and Kiara’s younger brother, Kion (played by Max Charles) and his best friend, a honey badger named Bunga (voiced by Joshua Rush), who are both playing a game called Baobab Ball right in-front of Simba’s lecture with his daughter from the second film, “The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride”. Simba suggests that he should continue playing their game somewhere else, while he lets Kiara and her friends hunt gazelles in the Pridelands. So, Kion and Bunga travel across the Land, through rivers, different clans of animals, other characters from the first film (including Rafiki), new characters that will be important to the story later, and play our first song of the movie, until they chase the Baobab Ball, which lands into the Outlands from (again) the second film.
Ya see, guys, this does show some continuity from the first two movies, except it shows Kiara as a cub and without Kovu involved, except that he’ll appear in the show, soon enough. Anyway, Bunga decides to foolishly risk his life to get the Ball back and into the Pridelands, but, Kovu (of course) refuses to come with him and sticks to his father’s rules of staying away from the Outlands. As Bunga explores the Outlands and gets the Ball back, a bunch of hyenas (just like the ones from the first movie) led by our new hyena named Janja (played by Andrew Kishino) ambush and capture him. Kovu saves Bunga by roaring so loudly with a bunch of cloud-lion-like spirits in the sky roaring with him and gain his cutie mark– I mean a tattoo-like mark that looks more like a cutie mark from “MLP: FIM”, which actually surprises the Hyenas and let Bunga escape. Gee, I bet that if the CMC (Cutie Mark Crusaders: Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle) still had their blank flanks, they would definitely believe that roaring loudly as they can like a lion would do the same thing to Kion. Even Scootaloo would be like–:
You can say that for this movie being a non-canon version of a well-known classic, just to sell more toys for a new show that is actually nothing but selling more merchandising, like the new CGI “Thomas” episodes. But (AGAIN), I digress, as you’d expect, Kion and Bunga are very surprised over Kion’s unexpected roar that acted all magical and cutie-mark and such, while they head their way back home to Pride Rock. Speaking of Pride Rock, Simba, his wife Nala (played by Gabrielle Union, have to admit, not a bad replacement for her original voice from the three movies, Moira Kelly), and Rafiki have apparently heard Kion’s roar while at Pride Rock. They now believe that Kion is the new leader of an organization called the show and movie’s title, “The Lion Guard”, even though Simba is very doubtful about Kion’s new responsibility. But, Nala encourages him to listen to Rafiki, seeing as how he’s the insane, but wise monkey of Mufasa and now Simba. But, as Kion and Bunga (conveniently) return, they overheard the conversation, but are wondering what Simba and Rafiki were talking about, until they are led by Rafiki into a cave, where he and Simba are waiting for him. We then get an explanation of what “The Lion Guard” is and why this movie and series is titled that way, being a spin-off to the you-know-what.
It turns out that the roar that Kion gave earlier was “The Roar of the Elders”, a powerful roar belonging to the leader of the organization called “The Lion Guard”. The organization was in the cave/secret base called the Lair of the Lion Guard and (get a load of this) Mufasa’s (played by James Earl Jones, THANK GOD FOR HIS ROLE) younger brother, Scar used to be the leader of the Lion Guard and once had the Roar of the Elders. The members of the Lion Guard that Scar once led are lions that are meant to be the “Fastest”, “Strongest”, “Keenest”, and “Bravest”, but he permanently lost his position and gift when he attempted to use the roar (since he’s everybody’s favorite villain of the trilogy) for evil. After this, Simba– Wait a minute, WHAT?! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT SCAR, WHO WAS JEALOUS OF HIS OLDER BROTHER WAS A LEADER, INSTEAD OF A VILLAINOUS LION THAT ASKED THE HYENAS TO DO HIS BIDDING, WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR MUFASA’S DEATH AND RESULTED IN HIMSELF GETTING MAULED TO DEATH BY THE HYENAS WAS ONCE A LEADER?????!!!!!! I would make a major rant about it, but, this review is taking too long, so let’s back to the real deal. As I was saying, Simba asks Kion to (since he’s the leader) look for lions that are fit enough to be part of the organization.
On their way to look for other group members, Kion decides his first member of the Lion Guard should be his BFF, Bunga, and Bunga–:
–Accepts the offer as the “Bravest” spirit of the Lion Guard. However, unbeknownst to our heroes, a vulture named Mzingo (played by Jonny Rees), who is Janja’s best friend, is spying on them and overheard their entire conversation, before he flies away to tell the Hyenas the news. Our heroes decide to do their first mission as the Lion Guard and they have their first chance when one of Kiara’s friends, Zuri, screams because her claws are stuck on a log, while she was sharpening them. Just then, everyone’s favorite bunch, the meerkat and warthog duo named Timon and Pumbaa (played by Kevin Schon, replacing Nathan Lane from the first movie, and Ernie Sabella) show up and attempt to free Zuri’s claws. But, Bunga (who is actually Timon and Pumbaa’s adopted nephew) interrupts the whole failed rescue operation and causes Zuri to fall out of the log and reveal a load of bugs, Timon and Pumbaa’s favorite food. He tells everyone about Kion’s new position as the Lion Guard leader and asks his two unexplained-adopted uncles if he could be a member of the group. But, Timon and Pumbaa, being danger-haters, begrudgingly agree to allow him to be a member of the you-know-what, after we get this musical song called “Zuka Zama”, which is basically a replacement of “Hakuta Matata”!:
Wow, “Hakuta Matata” is now replaced by this!!! But, I have to admit, it’s pretty catchy, even if it’s aimed for kids and “The Lion King” is one of Disney’s family-entertainment flicks that is usually animated. Back with the story, after the scene ends with Pumbaa doing a fart joke, we then cut to the Outlands, where Mzingo from earlier flies to the Hyenas and tells them about the resurrection of the Lion Guard, much to their dismay. They come up with a plan to attack the Pridelands, which is attack all of the animals, while singing our second song, “Tonight We Strike”. That song sure gives me classic film and “Nightmare Before Christmas” flashbacks. Meanwhile, Kion and Bunga’s Lion Guard assembling continues at the Pridelands, when they assemble the rest of Kion’s friends. They are a cattle egret named Ono (played by the actor of idiot Brick Heck from “The Middle”, Atticus Shaffer), a cheetah named Fuli (voiced by Diamond White), and a hippopotamus named Beshte (played by Dusan Brown).
He then gathers all of his friends to show them the Roar of the Elders. But, as Kion attempts his roar, it only makes a squeak instead of an actual roar, much to the confusion of our new characters. Then, out of nowhere, Zazu (played by Jeff Bennett) brings Simba, Kiara, and Tiifu to Kion, where Simba scolds his son for choosing his non-lion friends as members of the Lion Guard and tells him that it isn’t a game and it must be taken seriously, before walking away, leaving Kion unhappy. While Kiara and Tiifu are busy hunting some gazelles (even though Kiara turned into an adult to hunt animals in the second film), Mzingo flies over the group of gazelles and has Janja leading his hyenas to the herd. They decide to send Simba to help investigate, while Kiara keeps a sharp eye on the Hyenas. Meanwhile, Kion is still disappointed over the way his father harshly scolded him over his decision and (terribly) sings our third and final song of the movie, “Kion’s Lament”. During the song, he then meets Mufasa’s ghost (just like in the first film) and is taught by him to trust his instincts, which gives him the courage to do the right thing.
As he finishes his song with confidence, Bunga arrives and warns him about the Hyenas and their attack on the Pridelands. Kion rushes towards his friends and they accept his offer to join the Lion Guard and are each given their marks by Kion.
1.) Fuli = Fastest
2.) Bunga = Bravest
3.) Besthe = Strongest
4.) Ono = Keenest
At least the Elements of Harmony from “MLP: FIM” were more powerful than them– I mean as powerful as them. 😀 So, our newly-formed heroes work together to fight back against the Hyenas and stop them from killing and leading the entire herd of gazelles. But, the gazelles continue to race and place Kiara in danger on a rock, leaving Fuli to help Bunga race to the rock and save Kiara. How does he stop the herd: Take a wild guess. It’s another “Fart Joke”, of course and it actually works because Pumbaa’s farting techniques actually taught him to do those farts.:
Exactly, Rarity! The last fart joke was funnier than that and at least it’s better than giving a crap about it, which I don’t because I’M SO CALM ABOUT REVIEWING THIS MOVIE!!!! After saving Kiara, Kovu uses his Roar of the Elders to banish Janja and his Hyenas back to the Outlands. Simba, Rafiki, and Nala, who have been watching the entire scene congratulate Kion and his friends for saving the day and we finally end this movie when Simba agrees that it’s officially time to have Kion as the new leader of the reformed Lion Guard. It’s basically the credits rolling and call the film quits!:
This video really describes this movie because I don’t want to see a pointless reason to sell more merchandising based off of a classic Disney film!! And you know what, NEITHER SHOULD YOU!!!! Even if you’re a “Lion King” or Disney fan, this movie is just terrible. The animation is okay, the jokes are okay, but the plot is handled really poorly, the new characters are forgettable, the songs are less than average (but some of them are alright), and there’s really no reason to make a spin-off show based off a good Disney film. I still feel bad for being very harsh during my review of the first “Lion King”, seeing as how many people have and still really, really love or enjoy that movie. But, hey, I still like the first film because it did have a good plot, colorful characters, really powerful moments, a great moral, really good songs, beautiful animation as always, and had hilarious humor. But, let’s remove that for a second and just look at “The Lion Guard” on it’s own!
Overall, “The Lion Guard” is not only a really bad pilot episode to an upcoming spin-off, it’s probably one of the worst spin-offs to a classic!! It’s one of the worst because of Disney agreeing to have a spin-off aimed for younger children decided to make more money and toys by creating this crap!! As a sequel/midquel/prequel, it would be not epic and be pointless, as a standalone movie, it would be even less pointless and make it less epic. I already know for a fact that many fans of “TLK” are already pissed off by it and will go crazy over it and form an angry mob to track down Disney for killing their childhood, forever!! This movie deserves an absolute 4/10– Actually, it’s a 2/10 because it’s not really that good and it didn’t do much for me!!!!! To the person that I dedicate this review to, “The Review Master”/Trevor Bernstein, I’m sorry that you chose to review this piece of crap!!!! If you’re here right now, I’ll be sticking to the first two movies, except for another pointless prequel and midquel that no one loves!!!
I’m The Detective Librarian and if you’ll excuse, I’m going to watch some “PROPER” “Lion King” clips. Also, I’ll be expecting some reviews for Christmas, just in time for the holidays, so, toodles, everybody!!! 😉
-THE END-
The Detective Librarian 