Season 4: Review #2: “The Polar Express” Movie

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WARNING: THE FOLLOWING YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!!! TURN BACK IF– Oh, forget it.

-We Now Join Our Regularly Scheduled Review, Already in Progress-

THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN:……………….”IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!!!!!”

*Cues “Christmas Time is Here” from “A Charlie Brown Christmas”*

Yes, guys, it’s that time of year again!!! The Holidays/Christmas time!!! That means that we get to spend time with our loved ones, celebrate Jesus from the Bible, and spread kindness to one another!!–

TED THE SCRIPT PERSON: Oh! And don’t forget the cookies and all sorts of sweets!!!!!!

THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: Well….Almost. It’s also a time to review and see well-known and bad Christmas specials for this year!!!! So, in order to start off my second X-mas/Decemberween on my blog, let’s take a look at one of the most well-known cult classics of the Holidays, “The Polar Express”!!! It came out in theaters on November 10, 2004 and was based off of the children’s book of the same name. Now, even though this movie gained mixed reviews at the box-office, it became well-known for it’s realistic, yet surprisingly cool (but somewhat odd) CGI animation, even for a family/kids’ movie. Since, in most animated kids/family movie, it includes unrealistic designs (but some of them are greatly animated), but this was a mixture of both real and a little bit bizarre. But, at least the current episodes of Season 17 and onwards of “T&F” has some animation that has gotten realistic over the years thanks to Arc Productions and is better than Nitrogen Studios!:

But, anyways! Let’s see how bizarre CGI animation makes for a cult classic, by hopping on-board the train ride called “The Polar Express”!

So, we start off this movie on Christmas Eve where our narrator (played by Tom Hanks) narrates to the audience about how magical the night of Christmas Eve before Christmas Day is–Blah Blah Blah! After this, we then get introduced to our main character, a human boy who has no name, so we’ll call him John (played by Daryl Sabara), get tucked into bed by his parents to wake up on you-know-what in the morning, along with his younger sister, Sarah (played by Isabella Peregrina). During the night, John hears the sounds of an engine’s pistons pumping that might be Gordon the Big Engine from “T&F” with the express from the Island of Sodor known as “The Wild Nor’ Wester” (not counting WildNorWester from Youtube). Actually, the sounds and the shakes are coming from a mysterious engine/locomotive that just stopped outside his house and neighborhood that nobody seemed to be awakened by or questioned on why an American locomotive is still standing in the middle of the neighborhood and in the middle of the night! He then examines the train outside and encounters the train’s Conductor (played by, also, Tom Hanks), which I’ll call, Conductor Baldwin (reference to Alec Baldwin’s role as Mr. Conductor from “Thomas and the Magic Railroad”/”Shining Time Station and Thomas Crossover”). He asks John if he’s coming along because “WHY TO THE NORTH POLE, OF COURSE!!! THIS IS THE POLAR EXPRESS!!!!!!!”:

So, Conductor Baldwin allows John on-board the (obviously, “Stranger Danger”-like) Polar Express and meet the other kids who are excited to come along the magical journey to the North Pole. The other kids include a Know-It-All Kid, which I’ll nickname “Sheldon” (played by Eddie Deezen) and the black Hero Girl, which will be named “Margaret” (voiced by Nona Gaye). Really, guys, if we’re gonna remember these characters, then WHY THE BUCK DIDN’T YOU GIVE THEM NAMES AND STUCK THE SAME NAMES YOU DID AS IN THE BOOK THIS MOVIE WAS BASED UPON???????!!!!!! I MEAN, SWEET CELESTIA, THIS MOVIE HAS REALLY DISTURBING, BUT REALISTIC, ANIMATION WITH TOM HANKS IN THIS!!!!

TED THE SCRIPT PERSON: Don’t worry, Detective. There’s another kid that’s coming up now that HAS a name!!

THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: Really?

TED THE SCRIPT PERSON: REALLY and his name is Billy!!!

THE DETECTIVE LIBRARIAN: Well, that settles it! Sort of. 😐

So, we do get introduced to another character, a lonely boy named Billy (played by Jimmy Bennett) when he doesn’t board the train. This forces John to pull the emergency brake to stop the train and pick up Billy. This (of course) pisses off Conductor Baldwin and scolds John for pulling the emergency brake, but somewhat forgives him when he’s explained on what happened and tells him that “Emergency Brakes Are Only Used In Emergencies”!!! Well, at least (again) “Thomas & Friends” showed that in the Season 18 episode, “Thomas and the Emergency Brake”, and even Ken Friedel did a parody video of it and this movie!!:

But, I digress, Billy, at first, refuses to go join the journey, which is what I would do when a random express train out of nowhere offered me to go along to God knows where. But, he reluctantly changes his mind and then randomly, all the kids on board the train ask for refreshments, so we get into this very strange musical interlude where the chefs are serving hot coco/chocolate to them. Seriously, we’re into this now??!?!! This isn’t a “Polar Express” movie, it’s a Broadway and Disney musical knock-off!!!! As Margaret and Conductor Baldwin give one cup of hot chocolate to Billy in the observation car/coach, John discovers that Margaret’s ticket is unpunched. But, he accidentally loses the ticket in the air vents and it flies outside the train and gets hurt around the wind and animals like wolves and a hawk, before it goes back to the train. Meanwhile, Margaret finds out about her losing her ticket and Baldwin suggests ejecting her, meaning kick her out of the train.

He takes her dangerously on-top of the train for a walk. Uh, dude, AREN’T YOU GONNA GET FIRED FOR DOING THIS LIKE AN IDIOTIC MANIAC?????!!!!!! SO, SCREW, PHYSICS!!!!! 😡 Anyways, John finds the lost ticket and chases after them, before losing them. He then encounters a Hobo (played by, you guessed it, Tom Hanks) that is unrealistically setting a campfire on-top of the train, which would set the roof on fire in real life. The Hobo claims that he’s the owner of the Polar Express and is “King of the North Pole”, which is obviously not the case, since he looks NOTHING like a ruler to me because hobos usually have dirty clothes and we even see them in stereotypical old clothes, hats, and beards. Even though the Hobo is a jerk, he helps John catch up to Margaret and Baldwin, by using some conveniently placed ski’s he has and John skis his way to the train’s coal tender, where the engine’s drivers/crew, Smokey and Steamer (both, voiced by Andre Sogliuzzo) are with Margaret, who (big shock) is driving the train.

Also, it’s a good thing that this isn’t “Old Iron” from Season 2 of you-know-who & what where some boys messed around with James the Red Engine’s controls and made him a runaway, while Edward the Blue Engine had to come and rescue him, since he was insulted by James and called “Old Iron”!! But, WHY WOULD MARGARET CONTROL THE TRAIN, EVEN THOUGH SHE’S TOO YOUNG TO DRIVE ONE ANYWAY?????!!!! If you really think about it, it doesn’t make any–It doesn’t matter anymore. As soon as Steamer and Smokey replace the train’s light, they see something unusual ahead and John applies the train’s brakes, causing it to stop, almost immediately. Conductor Baldwin notices a reindeer/caribou crossing and John pulls Smokey’s beard, which causes him to kick in his animal sound effects and the caribou to move, making the line clear. As journey continues, the train increases speed, (again) dangerously, and it becomes possessed by a demon, before falling off the edge of a cliff and killing everyone– No, no, wait, that actually happened in the “Timothy the Ghost Train”/”Ghost Train” AKA “Percy’s Ghostly Trick” Deleted Scene Creepypasta.

Instead, the drivers accidentally cause the train to go out of control while speeding along and turning the entire movie into a roller coaster ride. Yep, it’s officially clear: “The Polar Express Has Turned Into an Amusement Park Ride, Especially for Parks Like Six Flags, Dorney Park, Disney World/Disneyland, LEGOLand, etc….” During the roller coaster ride, the Hobo then vanishes and the train rides along a frozen lake, where the cotter pin that caused the runaway falls on the icey lake and somehow cracks and causes probably the most intense scene in the film.:

I have to admit, this is something that Britt Alcroft would’ve written in Season 5 of “T&F”, IF she was still involved in the show that is, seeing as how she made unrealistic, but still fun and intense episodes such as “Rusty and the Boulder”, “Duncan Gets Spooked”, “Haunted Henry”, etc… But (again), I digress, after John returns the ticket to Margaret, Conductor Baldwin punches the ticket and foolishly leaves the kids inside a room with a bunch of abandoned toys. This (of course) gives the Hobo from earlier the perfect opportunity for him to act like a jerk again, by using puppets and a puppet of Ebeneezer Scrooge from “A Christmas Carol” to scare the living crap outta John. I have to admit, it was pretty pointless to begin with and it would definitely be something you see from “Five Nights at Freddy’s”, but, “FNAF” seems more scarier than this and it would definitely cause your kids to runaway or hide, screaming, seeing as how it’s a teenage/adult-aged game. Anyways, John runs away back to the observation coach/car and finds Margaret and Billy singing another song called “When Christmas Comes to Town”. I have to admit, it’s an okay song for Christmas, but wait, the other song is better than this and I’ll show you later.:

After the song is finished, the Polar Express finally arrives at the North Pole. When they arrive, the children create lines, while John and Margaret find Billy all alone and depressed again, inside the Observation car/coach. As they persuade Billy to come along with them, the coach gets uncoupled when John accidentally steps on the latch, causing it to roll down the town street hill and into a turntable (unlike “Tenders and Turntables” from Season 1 and “Oliver Owns Up”/”Resource and Sagacity” from Season 3 and the “RWS”). Our heroes explore the busy area of the North Pole (including footage of kids who are on the Nice and Naughty list), until they fall on a pile of presents that are placed inside a giant bag that is being carried by a blimp, where Sheldon/the Know-It All Kid is somehow there. YEAH, HE’S IN THIS BUCKING THING TOO, REMEMBER??!!! 😉 The giant bag is put on (you guessed it) Santa Claus’ sleigh and the elves get the kids out of the bag of presents, while the reindeer prepare to fly and Santa arrives. But, one bell from the sleigh breaks and falls to the ground. John grabs it and when he rings it, it doesn’t make a sound and when he realizes that he needs to “Believe”, the bell rings in his ear.

Santa tells John that he just gave out “The First Gift of Christmas”, before leaving on his sleigh and with his reindeer and the band celebrates, while the kids head home. On the train ride home, John finds out that he lost the bell he rang from earlier in his pocket, much to his dismay. But, his Christmas spirit returns when Billy is dropped off back home and everyone says goodbye to him when he returns home. The next morning, Sarah, John’s sister from earlier, wakes him up to remind him that today’s Christmas Day and it’s time to open presents. One of the presents is actually the bell John lost earlier, but his parents don’t hear the bell ringing and he leaves it out on the desk, before our Tom Hanks narrator returns once again. He tells the audience that the bell still works, but to those who truly “Believe”.

And that was “The Polar Express” movie! Is it a bad adaptation of a Christmas children’s book, a good one, or an average one. Well, I’m gonna say average for many, many, MANY, MANY reasons why!!! Although, I’ll give this film credit for trying to make a good adaptation of a well-known kids’ book and make it longer for the big screen in time for the Holidays, a little bit for the realistic animation (even if it pretty creepy), the action scenes, the songs, and the music as well. But, the problems with this movie are the creepiness of the animation matched up with it, the pointless subplots, confusing plot, disturbing scenes for a family-Christmas flick, and it feels a bit mean-spirited. I’m not giving this film a negative review, it’s just that I didn’t find it interesting. But, I’ll give the movie a few points for some parts that were funny and one of my favorite Christmas songs being in this movie, “Believe”. I highly recommend you go check that song out, it’s really beautiful.:

All in all, this movie was okay, the plot was kinda cluttered, the animation is somewhat disturbing, but really realistic, and it felt really odd and out of place for a Christmas movie. But, I’ll give the movie points for the “Believe” song, the other songs, and the action scenes. It’s up to you if you want to see this movie or not. If you’re into strange, but somehow good and realistic animation with an extended adaptation of a well-known Christmas classic on paper, this movie is for you! This leaves me into giving my final score for this movie a 4.5/10. It’s a good thing that it’s not as scary as that really disturbing, but fun, fan-film/Creepypasta called “Shed 17” by Pauls Vids, but I’ve already reviewed and really enjoyed it. I’m The Detective Librarian and Christmas, here we come! Toodles! 😉

-THE END-